Choosing Connection over Criticism
Max, my 5th grader, has been working hard on a secret project all week long. Every free minute, he has retreated to his room to work on an art project. He won't let anyone in his domain but did let it slip he is working on a Mother's Day gift. What a blessing this has been for me! I admit my curiosity peaked about what this project could be but I respected his desire for secrecy and surprise. I simply loved he was doing something in his room quietly that wasn't a screen. I couldn't wait to see the project as he has put hours into this project.
Fast forward to tonight. The evening was already tense. We were having a later dinner due to a work obligation. The kids were tired, restless, crabby, and hyper all at the same time. Max was in his room; first sent there out of discipline, then staying there out of choice to work on his art project. I had called him down to dinner several times. Several times. Sam and Emily were already restless and starting to act out. I was on my absolute last thread of patience when all the sudden Max flew down the stairs with a conglomeration of wrapping paper, tape, and yarn. He shrieked, "I'm flying, I'm flying, I"m flying!" as he tore throughout the kitchen and living room, flapping his arms. At this point, the dog (who was calmly at 'his place') started barking, Sam started laughing obnoxiously, and Emily complaining she was hungry. Max joyfully bounded over and asked if I liked "his parachute demonstration". In complete exhaustion and annoyance, I replied "No". His face instantly crumbled and he burst out in tears.
Max is not a crier. He is not a sensitive kid. He has a tough exterior and doesn't show a lot of sadness. His sudden display of tears immediately caught my attention. Through tears and a trembling voice, he said, "But mom, this is the project I've been working on for you and you just said you don't like it. I'm making you a parachute for Mother's Day and I've been planning showing it to you all week."
My heart broke. Absolutely broke. My tough kid had spent hours of his time making me a project. I don't understand it - a parachute? But it doesn't matter what it was - he took his time, limited resources, and crafted me something that he put his heart into. He gifted me a part of him. And I crushed it. Because in that moment I chose to criticize and not connect.
I immediately launched into an apology about how I was tired and frustrated by his behavior but I loved his project. His tears kept flowing. What a harsh life lesson that it's impossible to take back hurtful words. As I hugged him and asked him for forgiveness, he reluctantly agreed but the spirit was gone. I lost the moment to connect with him. Would he gift me another moment to share his heart?
Please use my painful reminder as a call to connect with people and not criticize. What a reminder to me that behavior is not always what it seems at first. So many times when I am scrolling through FaceBook or jumping to conclusions abut someone's behavior, my first tendency is to criticize as I did with Max. At a time where global pandemics have become dangerously politicized, I beg you to focus on connection and not criticism. I ask of you to learn from me and take the time ask those questions versus blasting criticism and negativity on social media. Simply take the time to connect. To understand. To ask open ended questions. To connect.
You don't have to agree with everyone, but please connect and don't criticize. You may even find a new friend in the least expected of places. You may learn something new. You may build a bridge to a new relationship. You may show love.
What if I would have asked Max a question? What if I would have stopped to see the world from his eyes? What if I would have just thought before I reacted? Max and I would have connected. That moment is gone and I will pray God will be merciful to gift me another.
I am determined to learn from this painful lesson. I am determined to ask more questions to my children at home versus being so quick to criticize. I am determined to listen better to conversations with friends before commenting. I am determined to question instead of critiquing or offering unsolicited advice. I am determined to learn a new perspective instead of being quick to blast my biased thoughts and opinions. I am determined to offer only words of encouragement on social media and texting even in moments of frustration.
I am determined to choose connection over criticism.
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